Oh Oly. You've been given good advise here and could not add much more. Your friend may appreciate your sorrow, along with hers. We are taught to be strong and stoic in difficult times. But I think *sometimes*, it's a positive thing to be honestly sad and weepy. Sometimes good friends need to cry together, for as long it takes.

It might help to have a note written out of things you do want to say, so you don't forget. Heavy emotions can poof thoughts and well wishes in the moment I've found. Your friend will love to have you share in this time.

96 years. Such a good long life. It's to be celebrated, and it will be. At the same time, so much to miss for the loved ones and those that knew her.

Sending you warm thoughts and condolences.

Thank you, all, this helps. I know it will be ok; it's just hard. One of MY favorite memories of all time is when I saw an ad on Craigslist quite a few years ago by a woman looking for help to make a raincoat for a rescued goose whose feathers had all fallen out on her back. My friend's mom is an extraordinary sewist, quilter, embroiderer, etc. Museum level stuff. She had just moved here from Boston to live close to her daughter, and wasn't yet too busy, so I mentioned the ad to her. She was ALL in! I drove her to the rescue and she took measurements and sewed the most amazing raincoat for the goose She thought it was a hoot and we couldn't stop laughing about it. I think the local paper ran a story about it, but I can't find it in the archives. I can't believe I don't have a picture of the final coat, but this was the pattern she made that she was trying on at one of the goose fittings. :)

So, I imagine we'll have a good laugh at this memory!

That’s awesome! What a nice thing to do. :)

All I can say is you must be an incredibly wonderful person to be on her list to speak with before she passes. What an honor.

What a lovely story about the goose raincoat! Thanks for sharing that.

^^^absolutely adore this story Oly. She sounds amazing in wonderful ways. Lucky you to have known her. Hugs.

Who would have ever thought of a goose raincoat? That'a a wonderful story and memory. She said she wanted to talk to you, so I would be sure to let her say what she wants to and let her take the lead. Whatever the words are that fit, it is a time to let her know she mattered and will be missed whatever the time in life or situation. It is hard to know you are seeing someone for the last time, but it is also a gift to be able to share those words, to reminisce, laugh again or even share some tears together - maybe all of the above. Don't worry about the words being perfect -- just let them be real. I would have to have a last laugh with her about the goose story -- and tell it again when she is gone. I wish all the good ones lived to be 96.

Oh, golly, @Olychick, what a great story. I’ve lost two dear friends who were in their 90’s recently and another is in hospice care. It can be a little awkward to start the conversation, but you can tell her that you were thinking of her and wanted to take the opportunity to thank her for bringing joy to your life, both as an individual and as the one who raised your best friend. I’m sure she will direct the conversation from there.

Thank you again, everyone. Your words have calmed me and given me some ideas for how to start the conversation, if I am the one who needs to start it.

I thought of another funny story about her. Very recently, her daughter had to euthanize her old cat. All of us are crazy cat ladies, so it was very sad to lose him. When my friend told her mom that they'd had to euthanize the cat, Mom said, "Oh, gosh, EVERYONE is being euthanized!" Then she had a little giggle at her own joke. That was when I first learned that she had a suicide plan in place, should she feel she needed it.

Lots of good advice here, so I want try to add to that. But I did read a terrific book, by writer Amy Bloom, who accompanied her husband on his quest to end his life after deciding he didn't want to live with his terminal condition any longer. In Love, by Amy Bloom.

It seems that you've received wonderful suggestions here - so all I can do is send hugs your way. She sounds like a remarkable woman.

I like her! She has that spunk that Lou Grant didn’t like.

@Olychic, what state is she lucky to be living in?

Nothing to add except I'm so sorry - losing someone you love is never easy.

We’re in Washington, where it’s legal to get assistance to end your own life.

This reminded me of an old episode from the Criminal podcast about a woman who travels around the country to sit with people as they end their own life - it's thoughtful, respectful and fascinating, as are all their episodes.

https://thisiscriminal.com/episode-17-final-exit-3-13-2015

I'm glad you had such a nice talk. It's a real gift to be able to tie up loose ends and say goodbyes. I bet you think of her whenever you see amaryllis blooms now. She's definitely right about it being hard to be a human. I hope she is right about the direction.

Olychick, you are a good soul. What a hard thing, for everyone.

Oly, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful conversation with us.

I have an Amaryllis I’ve had since Christmas; it will make me think of her now. ❤️

Sending you a big hug. I wish for peace and comfort for you all. ❤️

She isn't worth engaging with. She feeds off of believing she is superior and is one step removed from troll. I yearn for an ignore button.

Oly, it sounds like a sweet memory for you. It reminds me of my aunt, who called to give her regrets for our family Christmas Eve because she was dying with cancer. We had a lovely chat, I told her how much we would all miss her, meaning not just that holiday but always. She was always the life of a party.

And I’m thinking of an exchange student we had. He was from Netherlands. and we knew he had lost his mother to cancer. One day, DH and my kids were out, and Dom and I were chatting in the kitchen. The topic of his mom came up. He said how much pain she had been in, and there was no hope at all, so she was able to choose her time and place. Just as we were about to head into the weeds, as it were, with my arms ready for a big motherly embrace, my guys came in the door. I always regret that we were interrupted.

I’m so glad you had your moment of sharing and virtual embrace. Love and compassion are our gifts to share and receive as humans.

You all are right. I deleted my response to our predictable mean spirit.

Carry on.

If enough people flag it I think it will disappear. Inappropriate or abusive is my reason.

Well, I was away from the forums for a while and apparently missed something. I can probably fill in the blanks and the players.

This is a confusing issue for me, not being able to imagine killing myself, not sure how I feel about it all. But this is not MY life and I believe I don't know what I would chose for me or my loved ones in circumstances I can only imagine. Wishing that someone continue to suffer horrendous pain, with no hope for change in the future, doesn't seem like a very moral or compassionate view. Today I would say I would never make this choice. Five years from now, if I had a terminal illness, I don't know what my view would be.

Doesn't matter what I think; it's her choice to make.

Oly, thank you for sharing your lovely conversation. The amaryllis story is one you will never forget. We can only wish for a peaceful passage for your friend, and comfort for her friends and family.

Your friends mom sounds like she is a wonderful woman and has had a great and interesting life. She is able to say good-bye to family, loved ones and friends while she is still able to do so. She's' probably aware of what the rest of her life would be like trying to beat a disease that will be painful, and uncomfortable. She's fortunate that she is in a place where she is able to have the choice. Hugs to her friends and family.

In Canada we are lucky to have that choice as well although here it's termed assisted death/dying rather than suicide.

blfenton, thank you for mentioning better terms than suicide. I wasn't really comfortable using that word, but didn't put any effort into finding a more acceptable term. Technically, it's probably not different, but it seems like it should be, to me.

Olychick I too am conflcted about such a final step but also recognize it as individual’s own choice to end their life.

Selfishly, I’d like any person who would make a goose raincoat to remain on the planet as long as possible just to elevate the tone of the rest of the population.

Kswl, what a beautiful and respectful way to share your conflicted feelings on the matter. Responses like that give me hope!

I changed the title of this post, realizing that what I'd written was probably insensitive to some. I didn't see until just now that there was an option this long after posting to edit it. Thanks to BLFenton for planting the seed for a better name for what my friend is doing.

Oly, Your friend sounds like a wonderful person, one any if us would be honored to know. Your last conversation was a true gift to the both of you. Despite the sadness, I can not think of a better farewell.

So glad you were able to have a meaningful goodbye with your friend. She sounds like such an interesting person. I loved the goose story!

Sending peace. comfort, and a wish for you and the family to remember all the happy and funny memories. You're a good friend.

It is a complex topic. I lost a close family member to suicide under much different circumstances. Because of my own first hand experience I do have strong feelings, but I'm also able to see that different circumstances are....different.

This is one of those conversations which keeps me coming back here. The vast majority of the people who post here do so out of kindness and/or wanting to help. I'm trying to learn to ignore the few who don't...

Anyway, once again I am reminded you are a good soul and a good person Oly. Thank you for that. :)

(edited to fix a word choice error.)

I love the story about your friend. Wishing peace for her and for you.

The grandmother of my grandson's best friend had a progressive disease (sorry I can't remember which one) and lived for several years at her little home with dialysis and other medical interventions. She reached the point where the dialysis ws no longer working. She, too, decided to end her life and sent out an invitation to come to tea and say good-by on the day before. We were out of town and unable to go but sent her a message. I thought it was a beautiful choice. But today I'm attending the funeral for a friend's husband, who died way too soon and quickly after a cancer diagnosis. She cared for him lovingly and his sons were able to say good-by when the end was near. I have great respect for both choices. It's HARD to say good-by with grace! We're also in Washington.

Thank you again, everyone. This is the first time I've had to anticipate the imminent death of someone (besides beloved pets). Every other death of a loved one has been unexpected, which has it's own challenges, of course. I feel a lot of anxiety, I'm not sure why. Maybe wondering if I'm doing enough, being supportive enough to her kids. The three of them are here together, so I've backed away thinking they probably want their alone time and will likely be spending every minute possible with their mom. The daughter friend is hosting a gathering tomorrow afternoon and asked me to help with food, so that will keep my mind and hands busy.

I understand terminal illness is frightening but suicide is not the answer. My grandpa lived three happy and healthy years after they said he would only live a few weeks. Then he died peacefully in his sleep. Although she has made her choice hopefully she’ll reconsider as well as any one else considering suicide.

Thinking of your friend and hoping for peace and gentleness.❤️

Thank you, jojoco I hope it was a peaceful transition for her.

Like blfenton I live in Canada and am proud to live in a country that has legislated Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID). I know several people with a loved one who has has chosen MAID. They have comfort knowing that their loved one had control over their passing and say that is was a peaceful experience. I hope the same is true of your friend and her family.

Thinking of you, Oly. Your friend sounds like an incredible person. I am so glad that you were able to tell her what she meant to you.

Thought I would post a little update. My friend passed on around 9 am Monday. Later that afternoon and evening, her kids had a gathering for friends (no family but themselves in the area), which was really nice. I was able to stay a little after others left and they talked about how it all went for their mom. Apparently, there is a group of volunteers who help with the process for Death with Dignity. They attended the mom, helped with the preparation of the solution she was to drink, gave some tips to the family about what to bring to make it more palatable. They talked to her about her options to change her mind with no judgements from anyone. She was resolute and passed quickly and without any appearance of distress, which was so nice for her family.

It was wonderful to be able to talk with her kids and let them process the day. It was a wonderful gathering with lots of tears and laughter and good stories to share. She had said goodbye to most of us at the gathering, so I think we all were at peace.

Thank you again for letting me process this here. Lots of good thoughts and words, which really helped me.

💕

Coming in late to this post…… this must have been very hard for you and of course for her family.

You are truly a good friend and they are so very lucky to have you as one also.

Thinking of you Oly. I hope you and her entire circle of family and friends are doing ok. 💜

I’m glad it was peaceful, Oly, thank you for sharing.

Thinking of you all. ❤️

Thank you for sharing this experience with all of us. Years ago, when I had to put my mom in a nursing home, and I came fact-to-face with people who were essentially gone in all meaningful ways, but being kept alive, I really began to think about my own last days. Your friend's mother did such a brave thing, and her children showed her the greatest love by honoring her wishes.

Thanks for sharing this, Oly. A while back I read an internet article written by a daughter of someone who left life behind in this way. I don't remember the source but, like your narration, it was moving.

Oly, I know it was not an easy process for her family, you and her close friends, but everyone was able to say their goodbyes and see her one last time. We don't always get that. No one wants to suffer or watch a loved one suffer. It honestly takes courage to do what she did, and I respect her for that.

Olychick - Hugs to you and to your friends family. I recognize that this is a choice that not everyone believes in but for some it is a viable choice and although difficult for the family it's a true blessing when all embrace it.

The MIL of a friend of mine chose dying with dignity in the fall of 2021. What was interesting was that in the spring of 2021 the MIL had a friend who chose to end her life in the same manner and the MIL was all up in arms about her choice. She was critical of her friend and saying How dare she do this to her family and be so selfish, etc, etc.

But the MIL had cancer for a number of years and in the fall of 2021 it metastasized to her brain and her doctor was very honest with her about what was going to happen to her both physically and cognitively. And then she understood.